[about to invent Spaghetti-Os]

chef boyardee: *eating canned dog food* this would be great if I add some salt

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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.


science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”


So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma


Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.


[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.


Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow


I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting


Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.


Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.


“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
– “Chemical Bond?”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”