I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[about to invent Spaghetti-Os]
chef boyardee: *eating canned dog food* this would be great if I add some salt
You Might Also Like
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”