I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.