@suzannemariedo

[about to invent Spaghetti-Os]

chef boyardee: *eating canned dog food* this would be great if I add some salt

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@Prof_Hinkley

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

@BlindChow

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

@BackrowSeats

When I watch The Walking Dead I can’t help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.

@iwearaonesie

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

@Prof_Hinkley

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

@chuuew

A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film

@mikeleffingwell

When people argue about sports and one says “Care to make it interesting” I assume they’re going to start talking about something else.

@realHamOnWry

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.