[about to invent Spaghetti-Os]

chef boyardee: *eating canned dog food* this would be great if I add some salt

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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle


[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan


When I watch The Walking Dead I can’t help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.


*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack


*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*


A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film


When people argue about sports and one says “Care to make it interesting” I assume they’re going to start talking about something else.


After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.