[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
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I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.