@thatdutchperson

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

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@bazecraze

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

@KevinFarzad

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

@turdfailure

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@NoTheOtherJohn

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

@azianqueenbee

You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.

@JhonRules

oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples

@ArelyCorral

If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough

@TheHyyyype

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not