I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
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Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.
oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples
If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not