[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.