The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
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Living the best life.. 😊
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Do not go gentle into that good night,