[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.