Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
What kind of a cult is this?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*