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@badbanana: Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
@online_shawn: [does ten push ups] I am a weapon
@roxaroodw: I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don't ask me to babysit.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Talking to a giant banana] "Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
@notalogin: Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
Me: I've been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
@meganamram: Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he's "cool," but when I do I'm "lying"