The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) A bunch of freeloaders lie around in bed & support themselves by violating child labor laws.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.