Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

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The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*


Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit


I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”


Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?



Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.


Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) A bunch of freeloaders lie around in bed & support themselves by violating child labor laws.


Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks


HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again


Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.