Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
You Might Also Like
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Meow?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes