Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.