@nyax6

Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.

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@daniellebyers

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

@_sweet_ham

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

@skittle624

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

@MariyaAlexander

My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she’s ever seen me pay a bill

@ethanjacobslaw

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

@a_simpl_man

As soon as I get my shit figured out I’m going to start judging everyone.

@prufrockluvsong

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

@elle91

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out