@nyax6

Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.

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@TheCatWhisprer

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

@daemonic3

me: $20 on pump three

cashier: that’s the cheese dispenser

@PhilJamesson

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

@tastefactory

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

@U_Want_Shum_M8

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

@LoverOfComics94

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@OtherDanOBrien

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”