New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
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I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?