ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs