ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
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The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Writing, She Murdered.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Sign at work today
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.