Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider