@chelliet22

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

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@ThaJawn

*googles murder tips

*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search

They won’t be able to prove a thing!

*evil cackles

@KaptainKoRnie

Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.

Ok, just me?

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@mrbuster60

“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician

@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

@PhuckinCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department

@BadMikeyBad

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

@Hobo_Splendido

[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry

@jessokfine

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.