Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
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Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.