Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
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God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I never needed anything more in my life
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
mood
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.