Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.