@hippieswordfish

absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

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@fro_vo

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

@BoomBoomBetty

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

@_ElvishPresley_

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@BruceForce

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

@amishschool

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

@savvystrider

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

@LizHackett

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

@frankzulla

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

@KenJennings

I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.