absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

You Might Also Like


ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury


[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]



Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that


My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.


My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.


The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.


“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.


How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same


I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.