Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
You Might Also Like
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready