@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

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@ehdannyboy

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

@Jenn_H_Scott

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

@sarcasticmommy4

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

@Skoog

dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good 🙂

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?

@underalls

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

@prufrockluvsong

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

@LostFelicia

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

@SnizzleFrizzle

So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.

@PajamaBen_

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

@BuckyIsotope

MAMA
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
Just-
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor