To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
dog person: do you like dogs or cats
me: all pets are good 🙂
dog person: dogs or cats?
me: i like them in different ways
dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor