A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”