@PortRooster

Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do…

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@AlexRogaski

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

@ericsshadow

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”

@NoorShamma

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

@kDuncanG

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

@traciebreaux

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

@marcia_bee

What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!

@Henry_3k

I’m not making a snap judgment of you. I’ve been following you around the grocery store for 15 minutes.