*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do…
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[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Was it something I said?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
What’s a drug lord woman called?
A drug lady?
A heroin heroine?!
I’m not making a snap judgment of you. I’ve been following you around the grocery store for 15 minutes.