Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
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If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that