My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.