@urmumsausername

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

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@_Tempo11

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

@RodLacroix

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

@KeetPotato

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

@JasonLastname

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

@Roysenotes

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

@abbycohenwl

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

@ericsshadow

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

@AndrewNadeau0

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@SondraDeeMe

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.