absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
😆this is so true
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake