Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
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“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
going to the ER y’all need anything
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)