Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.