Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
the dark web is just a goth google.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.