Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
PARKOUR
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.