@myonlymizztake

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?

Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong

@skittle624

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

@FrenulumBreve

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

@kelkulus

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

@Swishergirl24

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

@AnOrangeSNES

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

@UncleDuke1969

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

@TheMichaelRock

Bad news: I just stepped on the cat.

Even worse news: I think I just created a Nicki Minaj song.