Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?
Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Kinky = using a feather. Perverted = using the whole chicken.
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
THIS IS SPARTA!
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
Bad news: I just stepped on the cat.
Even worse news: I think I just created a Nicki Minaj song.