AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work