Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…
You Might Also Like
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I get carried away sometimes.
Because I refuse to leave.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*On a first date.
Her: I’m just tired of all the games
Me: *slowly slides the deck of UNO cards back in my coat pocket
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day