AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…

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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail


Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺


I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.


*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’


The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.


I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’


*On a first date.

Her: I’m just tired of all the games

Me: *slowly slides the deck of UNO cards back in my coat pocket


Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day