ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
You Might Also Like
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.