[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.