It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
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I shouldn’t have said that.
– Me. Whenever I talk.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Studies show that you were, like, way too good for him.
‘Totally too good for him’ says one super supportive scientist.
I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”