@Ygrene

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

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@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

@BraandoCommando

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

@ceejoyner

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

@carlyken

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

@aparnapkin

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

@iamspacegirl

Studies show that you were, like, way too good for him.

‘Totally too good for him’ says one super supportive scientist.

@Matty_Softmitts

I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”