Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
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*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.