Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*