@mjkspeaks

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

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@DBMaxP

Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”

@fro_vo

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

@Ndeshi_M

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

@Contwixt

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

@Fred_Delicious

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

@Ygrene

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

@Julian_Epp

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

@Tryptofantastic

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood