*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
You Might Also Like
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed