Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.