Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”