Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Dolls on drugs
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I see your IQ test came back negative
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.