Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance