@mejustbeth

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

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@IamJackBoot

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

@rachelle_mandik

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

@LuvPug

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

@doktorj

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

@DurtMcHurtt

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

@DannyDutch

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

@bacon_gillepic

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

@TweetPotato314

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance