Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

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Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.


Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.


My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.


My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.


[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*


Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?


Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day


Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose


Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance