@juliussharpe: With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.

@shadonium: What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner? Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!

@JohnLyonTweets: The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

@MattMelvin: I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

@PleaseBeGneiss: [at DMV] Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first Guy in line: that’s not a thing! Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu Guy: wha- Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times* Clerk: cup or cone Me: cone pls :) Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie