@IamJackBoot Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
@mejustbeth Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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@IamJackBoot 
@rachelle_mandik Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
@LuvPug My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
@doktorj My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
@SteveKoehler22 Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
@DurtMcHurtt [dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
@DannyDutch Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
@bacon_gillepic Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
@TweetPotato314 Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
@bitemynoodle Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance