My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I’m starting to think he borrows it while I’m asleep
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Half of Americans must be thinking Gaza Strip is the name of some Strip Club which Israel wants
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?