Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
You Might Also Like
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I got fired today
“you have no idea?”
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw