@envydatropic

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

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@AimeeHelene1

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

@theshantilly

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

@murrman5

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

@KimmyMonte

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

@AddledPixie

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

@chriscr10571

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

@MommaUnfiltered

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

@TheAlexNevil

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

@WheelTod

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw