Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
🤭😂
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My teenage children choosing violence
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Pigeon open mic night.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
yea so i messed up lol
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine