Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
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why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.