@ch000ch

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

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@Marcmywords2

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

@samhcarr0ll

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

@LivibelsDada

Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.

@obijawn

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

@mommajessiec

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

@scot4bz

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

@SaraMansford

*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.

@VikingBut

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

@CelebrityChez

I’ve found that it’s almost impossible to explain to a stranger why you are following them around trying to put egg rolls in their pockets.

@dire_beard

I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.