72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
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Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’ve found that it’s almost impossible to explain to a stranger why you are following them around trying to put egg rolls in their pockets.
I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.