accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
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You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
scared to check what name she chose
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.