accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
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Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”