just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Put a ring on it
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
an octopus is just a wet spider
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.