@jake_likes_naps

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

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@UncleDuke1969

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

@UncleDuke1969

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

@hippieswordfish

WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it’s the big yellow house with a guy on the roof

@SoulYodeler

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

@TheToddWilliams

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

@ClichedOut

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

@FU_TangClan

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

@JizzleLizzle

Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look

@Kelly_skeleton

People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly

@sage_lita

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS