If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
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*finally touches toes*
WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it’s the big yellow house with a guy on the roof
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look
People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS