[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.


*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.


WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it’s the big yellow house with a guy on the roof


Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*


I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…


Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down



Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today


Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look


People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly


Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS