[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.