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your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.