*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
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Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me recordaron éste meme
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?