I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Tastes like chicken.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.