Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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Baller is short for ballerina
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid