Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

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Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck


[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]


The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.


An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn’t buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.


[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.


6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no


Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet


Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …

She : You want both !?