Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn’t buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
A Couples Retweet
Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …
She : You want both !?