Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
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If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.