Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Favourite diary entry ever
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Not today, today.
Not today.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket