Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

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Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.


My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.


My one night stand is pissed because I broke the other one.


LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed


Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.


I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what’s wrong with me.


Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.


Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!


“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks


When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”