Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*


Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.


Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.


Wine – you’re gonna sleep good

Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.

Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.



Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week


If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.


Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Cop: Faster.
Cop: Um, no, 72.
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.


It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.