@Cheeseboy22

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

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@itshotterhere

Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.

@evofck

My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.

@ruslg1

My one night stand is pissed because I broke the other one.

@jonnysun

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

@TheBoydP

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

@cynicanoldicus

I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what’s wrong with me.

@Mardigroan

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

@PaperWash

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

@iwearaonesie

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

@UncleDuke1969

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”