every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?