*accidentally deletes a tweet*


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Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can’t Believe It’s Not 1860.


I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?


[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies


Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl


Did you hear that Barcelona’s beautiful people hardly feel precipitation?

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain


I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.


Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:


My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.


Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u