*accidentally deletes a tweet*


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[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels


If you’re going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I’m sorry, I lost a bet.


Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.


If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.


Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”


I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.


Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.


Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying