Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
What?!?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.